8 Weeks

I had this dream last night that we had a girl. Maybe it was because we were with Joe and Lisa and their girls yesterday at Legaland since we are visiting San Diego. Let me see if I can remember this accurately.

I recall that we had the baby and I had put the baby down to sleep. We were not alone at home, I think it might have been at my parents home in Chicago, but there were definitely other people around. Then when I went back to pick up the baby, she had grown quite a bit, maybe to the age of 3, and able to stand. As we stood by the sofa, I would practice kicking as if I was doing some martial arts move and she would copy me. At that moment, I felt so proud of my baby. I guess by that time she was no longer a baby but a little girl. The sad thing was, I felt that her baby years had just passed by in a blink of an eye.

After this I woke up briefly and went back to sleep. When I fell back asleep, the dream continued and the same girl had now turned 16 and I was driving with her, but this time I was teaching her how to drive. This was a little scary for me because she was no longer the little girl but a teenager. For some reason, the driving itself did not concern me, but the thought that I had missed my girls life again saddened me.

Now here is the funny thing, we have not had this baby, and I definitely don't know what the sex is. But in these dreams, the most amazing thing is feeling a little of what fatherhood is like. It is funny how our brains can extrapolate certain experiences and apply them to our future, even though it has never happened. I have never been a father, but I can get just a glimpse of what fatherhood must be like through my dreams.

So that was my dream last night. As for the pregnancy thus far, everything seems to be ok but that is really a dual edged sword. So Mimi's nautea related to her pregnancy is there more often than not. Compared to two weeks ago, things have gotten better. I can see moments when she does not feel as sick. I see when she is able to eat more, hold down food better, and of course there are the cravings. For instance, last night we were trying to figure out where to eat since we are visiting San Diego. I mentioned a few ethnic varieties, and when I mentioned Korean her eyes lit up and I knew that was what we should do. When we went, she ate everything and finished it all. It was good to see her eat that way. After dinner, we went to get yogurt from Yogurt World and this also seemed to really help her feel much better. In the end, it seems that in this first trimester, there are things that help her and things that don't. It really becomes a system of trial and error. So far, we know that protein such as steaks and other meats have been helpful. Something sour and more spicy has been appealing to her. Something cold and watery, like frozen yogurt or ice cream also sits well with her. Being that this is our first, we're learning as we go. I'm sure that by the second kid, we'll hopefully have this down a little better.

The 9th weeks is our current target, mainly because this was as far as the other baby got to last time. After the 9th week, our goal will be the end of the first trimester which is week 13. After that, I hope that Mimi and I can breathe a little sigh of relief as we have cleared a major hurdle in the baby's developmental process.

So far, we feel blessed by this pregnancy. Being that many of our friends have gone through this before us, we're getting lots of advice and for our brother's and sister's in Christ, they are praying for a healthy development. One of the greatest moments of sharing this news was with the small group. These are, I feel, some of the closest people to us. They have seen us go through some difficult times and now they get to share in our joy. The saying, "A sorrow shared is halfed and a joy shared is doubled" really rings true with our small group. I'm so thankful to God that we have these people to lean upon.

So finally, my prayer to God is that He be the one who nourishes the baby, watches over the health of Mimi, and continues to prepare us to be Godly parents. If it means through those whom we know who are Godly parents, books that we read, dreams that God gives us, so let it be. Should anything happen such as this baby not making it to full term, I would pray that God let it be made clear to us why so that we may heal. Of course, I pray that we would not have to encounter this again, but God has His reasons.

By the way, today is our second anniversary, and when my wife reads this, I want to wish her a happy anniversary. She is the most beautiful woman I know, my best friend, and I could not be more happy to share my life with her. I thank God every day that she is with me, and I am blessed by her. Amen.

First Entry

Today is Sunday May 4th and Mimi is 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant. This is my chronicle of the prenatal period.

To give some background, we were pregnant back in November 2007. I remember it clearly. She got up in the middle of the night to pee, and I suggested she do a pregnancy test. She was having symptoms consistent with pregnancy. When I got up in the morning, she had left the stick on the edge of the sink and I saw that there were two lines, indicating pregnancy. I was so estatic and overjoyed. I woke her up and had to ask her just to make sure that what I was reading was right, we were pregnant.

To make a long story short, we went in for our first ultrasound on December 4 and we found out the baby was non-viable. There was no heart beat. The feeling I had was just terrible. I felt surreal, almost outside of my body when the ultrasound tech was telling me that there was no heart beat. Mimi actually handled it better than I did at that moment, keeping herself very cool and controlled. I guess this was one moment when I could not stuff my feelings of sadness, grief, and anger.

Two days later we had the D&C which was a painful procedure for Mimi, both physically and emotionally. It is something that any couple wanting children should never have to experience. It was just horrible.

So bringing us now to present day, we were able to successfully get pregnant and she is not just over 6 weeks pregnant. This is the early stages and a renewed sense of joy comes over both of us. At the same time, there is a sense of fear. Fear of loosing another baby. Fear of having another miscarriage. Fear of having to undergo another D&C. Fear of going through the process of grief and loss.

As I think about the fears, I'm told by many that there is very little we can do. Of course there are the normal things any pregnany mother should do. Avoid certain foods. Take all the prenatal vitamines required. Exercise when possible. Stay healthy. Take lots of rest when she can. However, in the end, what is the one factor that will make this baby healthy and eventually mature into a loving child of ours. That answer is simply, God.

Ever since we knew Mimi was pregnant, we have been praying daily for a healthy baby. This is our one request to God and I pray that He will grant us this prayer. I try to understand that the last baby did not make it might have been a blessing for us because maybe the baby would not have been healthy and God did not find it to be our time. Maybe God wanted to continue to prepare us to be Godly parents and in the process helped us understand how precious life is as well as how frail. In any case, I am convinced that the small life we had growing inside of Mimi before is now with God in heaven.

We are now looking forward to this new life given by God. I guess one might say that I have a lot of fears, and I admit that I do. In the same regard, this challenges my faith in God all the more, and I will continue to look to Him for strength.

As for my wife, she is all the more beutiful when she is pregnant. This morning, I sit with a cup of coffee in hand thinking of her over the past week. This has been one of the most difficult weeks I have seen her go through. This is the woman who faced medical school and residency, sucking it up when she had to be up for nearly 36 hours straight. This is the girl who can seem as tough as nails and independent to the core.

Being pregnant is quite different for her. She has felt so sick that even I have never seen her this sick before. She constantly felt nausious, vomiting in the evening, particularly when brushing her teeth. She has had little to no energy for anything. To take a 15 minute walk was a lot for her. Her one week off between hospital duties was spent resting on the bed or the sofa with a little plastic cup by her side for when she vomits.

For both of us, the fear of the health of this new baby weighed heavily on our minds. Last Friday, May 2, was our first ultrasound. We both were nervous, but when they did it, we could see the little blob that was our baby. The most amazing thing was seeing something the size of a pea on the ultrasound machine as it moved in a constant rhythm. That was out little baby's heart beating. I was sitting next to Mimi and this took place, and she reached over to hold my hand. She layed there and I sat with her in awe of being able to see our healthy baby building itself into a fully grown baby. It was just amazing. Simply amazing. Our first thoughts when she ultrasound tech walked out of the room was "Praise God"! We were so happy and Mimi even said later that she wanted to cry when she saw the baby's heart beating.

I guess to close out this first entry, I just want to say that we are blessed by God. This baby is one that we would like to honor God with, as godly parents, and we continue to lift this baby into God's hands. I know that one day, baby Lin may read this and I hope you do. I also hope that you can understand how much we love you and hope that you will understand how much God loves you. Baby Lin, stay healthy and we're looking forward to seeing you come into this world on your expected due date, December 25, 2008.